Pipster,

I'm struggling with the whole cheeseball factor of having a blog and now here I am writing a letter to you, which just seems so dorky.

I wish I could send the 10 year-old, 15 year-old or 20 year-old you a letter and send it off into the future for you to read when maybe I'm not your most favorite person and you are dealing with major teenage gangst (your MeMe's word, not mine) and feeling all frustrated and awkward. I wish I could let the future you know just how much I love you.

Tonight I was unpacking groceries in the kitchen and you were playing in your exersaucer and I was singing along to some music (Paolo Nutini) and I looked over at you and you were watching me so closely and when we caught eyes you gave me the most gigantic, toothless smile I've ever seen. It was almost as if you hadn't seen me in days and just realized I was back. It made my heart open up and fall on the floor. I scooped you up and we danced together in the kitchen and you laughed a big, hearty, belly laugh and grabbed my hair in your stubby little palm and held on to me like a little monkey. I wish you knew how much your being you, and being here and being a little living, eating, breathing miracle has healed me. Each loss we suffered chipped away at my heart until finally I had a gaping hole that hurt so much and made me wonder why, why, why. I remember telling Christa once that I felt like I had an invisible sack of sadness strapped to my back (not my metaphor but Kristen Armstrong's. I read it in one of her articles once and thought that summed it up well) that no matter what I couldn't release. She told me that once I had my little baby it would all be gone but I didn't believe her. Turns out, she was right. You slipped into our lives and healed all the hurt that your Dad and I went through to have you. Every single second with you is such a miracle because I seriously, deep down, started to lose faith and worried I would never have these types of moments. I do wonder about those other little souls that we lost, but Dad and I agreed that in some way they all were you - but you were just choosing your perfect time to make your grand appearance. I can't (but I do) wonder why that all had to happen because there are too many wonderful moments to have with you and there's just not enough time to think about stuff that we'll never be able to figure out.

(Besides your Daddy) I think you are the most fantastic, wonderful, hilarious and perfect little being in the whole world. I can't go anywhere with you without being stopped several times by people wanting to look at you, touch your sweet, rosy cheeks and comment "My goodness, is she always this happy?" "Wow, I've never seen a baby smile so big!" "She is gorgeous!" You are a beauty and I love your little potato body - a gigantic belly with little stick legs and arms. You are loving to roll around and have us hold you up so you can practice standing on your little legs. Your Dad loves to cuddle you and give you your evening bottle and bath time. He treasures you so much and would do anything to have more time with you. You light up when he comes in the room and you love to watch him and wait to catch his eyes so you can give him a huge smile.

You are such a gift and a joy and a million wonderful things all wrapped up in a tiny, squeaking pink little bundle.

xoxo

It has been raining SO much here that the entire yard and neighborhood is covered in spider webs. groooooooooooooooooooss. I regularly walk into about 5 webs a day and it's making me so paranoid that I have spiders crawling on me.

I'm heading to Gainsville for two nights to hang with Patrick. He's there for this entire month (ugh) for work and has been commuting home each night. The drive is an hour and 15 minutes and has been getting old for him, so Pipsqueak and I are gonna go spend a few nights with him so he doens't have to make that drive home. I'm not looking forward to having to lounge in the hotel room (no computer!) while Piper sleeps in the afternoon, but maybe I'll read, watch tv, talk on the phone. I was thinking I would bring a yoga DVD but there's no DVD player.

Patrick's dad/step mom come in town Friday morning through Sunday night. Then Monday morning Crissy and I are planning to drive down to New Smyrna Beach to see Clair and her family and then Tuesday I leave for Ann Arbor to visit the Bell's!! Fun!

I toured the DLC Nurse and Learn Daycare yesterday. I'm at the end of my rope for finding a place to put her part-time. Finding a place to put a 5 month-old is tough and then on top of that we need to be able to put her in part-time and to afford it. A friend of mine recommend DLC and has her 6 month-old in it and loves it. It's a daycare for developmentally disabled children, but they also take "typical" children as well. It's right in Murray Hill, Patrick could drop off Piper on the way to work, it's $250/month part-time (9am - 3pm M-F) and I got a really sweet, comfortable, loving vibe from it. Now the downfall - it is a dump. The bushes are overgrown, the sign that says DLC is flaking off and looks like crap, the parking lot has a chain link fence around it and it is pretty dumpy looking. I like to think it's like the birthing center - I went from Dr.Winslow's super swanky office to the birth center's dumpy, frumpy office - as far as looks it was nothing to write home about, but it was a wonderful place for us. If it works out to put Piper there (they are checking to see if they have room in the infant room starting in Sept), I'll probably only have her there until she's 1 and then I'll move her to a Mother's Morning Out. And hopefully Crissy and I can have Avery and Piper in the same MMO so we can share pick-up/drop-off duties.

And yes, I did cry when I left the DLC tour. Just a few tears. I don't wanna leave my little googie.

It's early morning and Piper just went down for her first nap of the day. I can hear her lying in her bed babbling to herself and I think it just might be the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

It's sorta awkward starting this blog and trying to figure out what to write about. I thought it would be cool to start this to post pictures and to try and make some sort of documentation of this wonderful, fun, exciting, strange and shifting time in my life. I feel compelled to come up with something witty and clever, but really the only people probably reading are Christa, Wannie, Lisa and Patrick and they would read right though that anyways. So I'll just try and be myself.


The new garden (known as Garden B) outside our family room window on a rainy day this week. The bush beans are coming in great and right next to them are little tiny collard green sprouts that look hopeful too. yea!

I have a stye on my left eye and it is so annoying. Not sure what caused it, and it doesn't hurt or anything but it is so annoying in a cosmetic way. We went to a pool party yesterday and everyone was staring at my eye and I could tell they were trying to figure out what it was.

We had a nice weekend, but it went by too quick. Sleeping in (sorta), trip to Costco (we went for groceries, but I want a laptop), pool party at a friend's house (her freaky ass dog was all up in our business and I felt like he was gonna bite someone and it made me really nervous), cleaning up around the house, some yard work (too hot to be outside during the day) and we had some friends over for a glass of wine.

I got into the master gardener course and I so want to take it, but I just don't think I can do it all. I feel like I would be a stress case if I took part-time classes, continued being a good wifey to Patrick, good mommy to Pip, took the master gardener course from 9-3pm each Wednesday, did all the shizenit that I usually do to keep Lynchburg running and tried to be good to myself. It is very clear that I can't take the course, but I just don't want to admit it. I had grand visions of myself walking my yard looking at bugs and being able to tell what they were, what they were eating, how to get rid of them and how to keep them from coming back. I would be a wealth of info on all things horticulture and would be rocking an awesome garden with loads and loads of veggies. I'm going to ask if I can defer the course for a year, but I know deep down that this time next year I will probably be even more busy since *hopefully* I'll be starting the nursing program full-time.

Oh well, everything always works out. Wissy always says that and it's always been true. I just want it all.

Pip watching Baby Einstein on youtube for the first time: