Two!

heart, bursting

I'm not sure if there is anything in the world as precious and heartwarming as the sound of your almost 2 year-old lying in their crib, post nap, singing to themself.

skirt

My friend Carol and I had the best time sewing a bunch of adorable dresses & skirts for Piper on Monday. She is an amazing seamstress and I basically just sat there and acted as her assistant, ironing fabrics and pinning stuff for her.

She made Piper 3 gorgeous little dresses, but I am pleased to say that I made this skirt for her out of some of Carol's scraps!

Granted, Carol helped me out some, but it was 85% my own work. Pip loved it so much that she insisted on wearing it, even though it was 32 degrees outside, hence the jeans under the skirt.

I fully admit that I dress Pip to look like a spunky, mis-matchy, cutie kid. She hasn't gotten into wanting to dress herself yet, so whatever she wears is what Patrick and I put on her. And Patrick always puts her in the cutest outfits, it is really so endearing.

shopping

I love checking out people's (or is it peoples? i never know these grammar things and i really should. hello, journalism degree!?) buggies at the grocery store to see what they are buying. I guess I like seeing if everyone else is eating healthy, or secretly buying the buy-one, get-one-free Doritos too. I especially love bumping into friends at Publix and getting to sneak a peek at what all they have in their cart. I was chatting with a friend the other day and saw an economy box of Trojan Ribbed For Her Pleasure condoms at the bottom of her cart. Hee.

So, in case you guys were curious here is what I just unpacked from a quick trip to Publix:


The prunes are for Piper, I swear! She really loves them. The meat in the back is some sliced sirloin that is currently marinating for my first try at homemade beef jerky. Fat free french vanilla Coffee Mate because - much to Patrick's chagrin - I am starting to feel like I need a little bit of caffeine in the morning. The big bottle of salad dressing is ranch and it goes against all of my personal and moral beliefs to purchase already made salad dressings (except for Trader Joe's fat free sesame dressing), but it was on sale and I am gonna try and get Piper to eat more veggies by dipping it in the ranch. Not sure it it will work, but it is worth a try. The little red spice thing in the front is Cream of Tartar because I'm going to attempt homemade playdough. My mom use to make our playdough from scratch all the time when we were little and it's a fun memory. Piper is way into playdough right now too. Cauliflower is for roasted cauliflower - Christa you just made that recently right?

moving on

I thought about posting here a few times over the last week, but why? It would have been just another painful memory to look back on and quite frankly I would like to leave all of the feelings and memories of last week behind me. I don't want to come back and be reminded of how I felt and the huge pile of shit I've had to scoop out of my heart.

We've given ourselves a sort of deadline. We can still be sad and cry and be pissed off (because lord knows we are), but as of Friday (yesterday) it is time to think positive and count our blessings. And there are so many wonderful, varied and unique people and things in our life that we are thankful for.
Top 3:
*Our marriage, which we both agree is irrevocably strengthened each time we've had to go through a miscarriage. We have huddled together through this last week leaning on each other, crying, cussing every fucking thing we are angry about and clinging together each time a wave of bad news and/or sadness was coming.
*Precious, spunky and unbelievably lovable Piper, has made this so much easier. Besides the fact that it's impossible to mop around with an almost 2 year old, she is just so hilarious and happy and present that we just can't be sad when she is near.
*My sweet parents were right by our side less than 24 hours after we got the bad news. My mom kept me busy during the day, made me about 400 cups of tea (although I never actually asked for any of them) and listened to me cry and ask every possible "why" question I could muster up. She didn't have any answers, but she listened to me for hours.
We told a handful of our close friends about the pregnancy this time, since we felt confident it would be a keeper. It was absolutely horrible having to make the calls and give the bad news. Horrible. Honestly, I can't stress that word enough and it was Patrick who had to make 99% of the calls. And then we ran off to the bed and breakfast for 48 hours and turned our phones off and ignored everything in the world other than each other. When we returned home we expected a tidal wave of support/cards/meals to roll in. And they didn't. My phone was pretty quiet, no one stopped by, no cards showed up. It sucked and I was pretty consumed for about 24 hours with how and why it is so hard for people to react to a miscarriage. I am 100% aware that it is awkward and no one knows what to say. I get that, I really do. But to not call and not acknowledge what we just lost - which was a real, loved and wanted baby - doesn't give respect to that little dream-come-true that meant so much to us, for the brief time we had it.
Slowly, after a few days calls started trickling in and meals were dropped off and flowers arrived. And it felt good. It wasn't the material aspect at all, but it felt good to have loved ones acknowledge, each in their own way, that they felt the loss too. Like, in some way, it wasn't just a crazy, vivid dream that we made up, but a real promise of a life we lost. The phone calls from friends and family saying "I don't know what to say, but I'm really sorry" made it feel real. It reminded me that I need to be easier on others. No one knows what to say, and how to jump right in to a messy situation.
My feelings are still all over the place, but I haven't cried in about 24+ hours, I put mascara on this morning and I just feel better. Patrick and I took a long walk this evening and it was so nice to get outside in the fresh air, oogle over all the huge houses along the river that we like to critique and play and love on our little girl. Last time we dealt with this shit we didn't know if we would ever have a child. And that. That right there is a horrid, sad, dark place to have to sit for awhile. I feel like emotionally I'm jumping back a bit quicker this time around and it 100% has to do with Piper. I know I can have a child. I know we will have more. I really do. I'm just not sure how many more pregnancies we'll have to lose before we meet that next child, but I do know we will have more. This is just a fucking shitty ass journey that we've been given, but I'm determined to get through it stronger and wiser.

up next

Okay, so I didn't make my goal of posting every day in January. I got pretty close though. I only missed 4 days and that is a great accomplishment seeing how before January I hadn't posted in like 2 months.

But none of that is important right now. The only thing worth thinking/talking/discussing/obsessing is this:



Tomorrow night at 8pm sharp you can find Patrick and I on our couch fully geeked out and ready for the final season of LOST!