moving on

I thought about posting here a few times over the last week, but why? It would have been just another painful memory to look back on and quite frankly I would like to leave all of the feelings and memories of last week behind me. I don't want to come back and be reminded of how I felt and the huge pile of shit I've had to scoop out of my heart.

We've given ourselves a sort of deadline. We can still be sad and cry and be pissed off (because lord knows we are), but as of Friday (yesterday) it is time to think positive and count our blessings. And there are so many wonderful, varied and unique people and things in our life that we are thankful for.
Top 3:
*Our marriage, which we both agree is irrevocably strengthened each time we've had to go through a miscarriage. We have huddled together through this last week leaning on each other, crying, cussing every fucking thing we are angry about and clinging together each time a wave of bad news and/or sadness was coming.
*Precious, spunky and unbelievably lovable Piper, has made this so much easier. Besides the fact that it's impossible to mop around with an almost 2 year old, she is just so hilarious and happy and present that we just can't be sad when she is near.
*My sweet parents were right by our side less than 24 hours after we got the bad news. My mom kept me busy during the day, made me about 400 cups of tea (although I never actually asked for any of them) and listened to me cry and ask every possible "why" question I could muster up. She didn't have any answers, but she listened to me for hours.
We told a handful of our close friends about the pregnancy this time, since we felt confident it would be a keeper. It was absolutely horrible having to make the calls and give the bad news. Horrible. Honestly, I can't stress that word enough and it was Patrick who had to make 99% of the calls. And then we ran off to the bed and breakfast for 48 hours and turned our phones off and ignored everything in the world other than each other. When we returned home we expected a tidal wave of support/cards/meals to roll in. And they didn't. My phone was pretty quiet, no one stopped by, no cards showed up. It sucked and I was pretty consumed for about 24 hours with how and why it is so hard for people to react to a miscarriage. I am 100% aware that it is awkward and no one knows what to say. I get that, I really do. But to not call and not acknowledge what we just lost - which was a real, loved and wanted baby - doesn't give respect to that little dream-come-true that meant so much to us, for the brief time we had it.
Slowly, after a few days calls started trickling in and meals were dropped off and flowers arrived. And it felt good. It wasn't the material aspect at all, but it felt good to have loved ones acknowledge, each in their own way, that they felt the loss too. Like, in some way, it wasn't just a crazy, vivid dream that we made up, but a real promise of a life we lost. The phone calls from friends and family saying "I don't know what to say, but I'm really sorry" made it feel real. It reminded me that I need to be easier on others. No one knows what to say, and how to jump right in to a messy situation.
My feelings are still all over the place, but I haven't cried in about 24+ hours, I put mascara on this morning and I just feel better. Patrick and I took a long walk this evening and it was so nice to get outside in the fresh air, oogle over all the huge houses along the river that we like to critique and play and love on our little girl. Last time we dealt with this shit we didn't know if we would ever have a child. And that. That right there is a horrid, sad, dark place to have to sit for awhile. I feel like emotionally I'm jumping back a bit quicker this time around and it 100% has to do with Piper. I know I can have a child. I know we will have more. I really do. I'm just not sure how many more pregnancies we'll have to lose before we meet that next child, but I do know we will have more. This is just a fucking shitty ass journey that we've been given, but I'm determined to get through it stronger and wiser.