1,800

1,800. That is the amount of times I've nursed Piper over the last 15 months. Of course, I'm estimating that number. In the beginning I was nursing her every 3 hours. Then when she started solids at 6 months she would still nurse every 3-4 hours, but just not as long and could hold out longer between nursing sessions. Then once she started really putting the food away - around 10 months - she started needing less and less nursing sessions. It slowly dwindled down to a morning and night thing and then just a morning thing and then as of this week no more.

So I figured it was safe to average it out and say that I nursed her 4 times a day x 30 days = 120. 120 x 15 (months) = 1800. No wonder I lost my baby weight and then some. And no wonder my boobs are saggy and exhausted.

If, during that first month of bleeding nipples, breast pads, gigantic boobs, lanolin, frustration, pain and a tiny squeaking piranha baby chomping at the air trying to get at me, you would have told me that I would nurse Piper until she was 15 months I would have told you to get the holy heck out of my house and don't speak of such craziness. Oh man, it sucked so bad. It was so hard and awkward. It took both of my hands to prop up my gigantic boob and then Patrick to help me latch her on. Then after 48 hours of a poor latch, the bleeding started. There are not many things much worse than witnessing your own nipple bleeding and your beautiful, gorgeous and hoped-for newborn with your own blood on their little pink lips looking like a tiny, torturous vampire who just attacked you. So that started a whole new phase of having to pump, rest one boob, nurse from the other boob, nipple shields, lanolin, lanolin and more lanolin. It was six weeks (SIX WEEKS) until I could wrap a towel around myself after a shower. My nipples were so ravaged that I couldn't let anything touch them - not even a cotton t-shirt, a bra (I used nipple shields) and god forbid a scratchy towel.

It was so.freaking.hard in the beginning. And I really only persisted because I knew it would get easier, and Patrick was so UNBELIEVABLY, mind-blowingly helpful and encouraging (he knows SO MUCH about breastfeeding/proper latches/nursing session timing/etc. he should be a male lactation consultant. ha.). He wanted nursing to work just as much as I did, but he was relaxed and calm and encouraging about it. And Christa and Sue Anne's invaluable help, advice and encouragement were huge along with the fact that I was full of postpartum hormones and would melt into a puddle of tears at the thought of it not working.

I've been sorta embarrassed that I was still nursing Piper at 15 months, but I was also not ready to give it up. She is non-stop action, running, eating, talking, clapping and seeking out dangerous stuff all day those few moments in the morning of cuddling her was all I could get. So I didn't want it to end. And I knew that once it was over, it was o-v-e-r. A relationship that was so huge and time consuming and important to her and I would be over with. I worried that I wouldn't know how to really comfort her if I couldn't use the boobie. That I wouldn't get to cuddle her and look down at her sweet face looking up at me. It was such a huge part of my everyday that I didn't know how to let it go. So I was just gonna let her decide and I was gonna enjoy the few moments of cuddle time I got with her in the mornings.

Then one morning she bit me. And it drew blood. And suddenly, it seemed very clear to me that when this ended I would be okay with it.

And so on Monday she nursed in the morning, with her big buddha belly right up close to mine and her little blond head tucked in the crook of my arm. And about 3 minutes after she latched on she popped her little head up and "dink dink dink" gave me the sign for eat. Basically I just wasn't cutting it. She loves me, but really is into her morning waffle and would much rather get on with the real eating. I still have milk (even after 4+ days of no nursing), but she is a big girl and is ready to forge her own and explore and come back for hugs and kisses and quick cuddles.

Piper was a baby who really wanted and needed the boobie. She still got plenty of fevers, bugs and can be fussy and difficult at times. I had originally thought that breastfed babies didn't get sick, didn't spit up (yes, I don't know where I got that info either) and were more bonded to their mothers. I learned that that is not true. Formula or boobie; babies are who they are. She didn't need to nurse for 15 months for nutrition - I obviously know that is true. Those first few months are the most important and after that it was a lot of just comfort.

I still feel a little tinge of sadness. That my baby doll is growing up and doesn't need me any more. That this is the start of her being independent. When she did the faceplant on the sidewalk I couldn't help but think "gosh, a few months ago she would have wanted the boobie to be comforted." But not anymore. My big girl just face plants it in the concrete and jumps off, brushes herself off and keeps going.

So I'm proud of myself that I've done a good job with this phase of mothering. I've got my body and my underwire bras back.

P.S. No, I haven't gotten my period back yet. I'm thinking that should be almost any day now since she hasn't nursed in several days.